End of a cycle, thoughts and all that jazz...

Those of you familiar with Toronto landscape will recognize the CN Tower. A reminder that I'm just at a rock throw's away from the urban world.

By that time last year, I went for the first time to the Islands.  Been to Toronto many times, and I knew the islands, but I never thought that so close to the urban core there would be such a jewel.

I brought my camera with me.  I always view photography as a way for the visual guy that I am to tell you visually the things I want to say.

So a year later, I figure it was time to return to the same spot.  A year later, the end of another cycle of ... life.

And what a year it's been.  The mental illness of my dad to its late stage, and out of nowhere the diagnosis of a generalized cancer and almost as if someone "upstair" heard our muted terrible wish...  gone peacefully was my dad to that other world.

I'm still debating whether he knew that this was going to be it, as his mental illness and then being on powerful drugs to provide a "quality of life" that make you wonder in these circumstances... it is one question among soooooooo many that becomes answer-less and pointless.

When you see your dad going away, you feel like a giant in the middle of emptiness.  A giant shadow of myself, very fragile, feeling terribly alone without the family around.

A cruel society that expects from you to perform zillions of administrative tasks.

Being given 24 hours by the nursing home to clean up dad's room was a prelude to many tough unpleasant tasks upcoming.  Contrary to my shadow on the sand, I wasn't very strong on my legs...

As I walk toward the beach, the "clothing optional sign" made me smile.  It is so cold this late in the season that it's not an option anymore.

In fact, as I near the cold water of Lake Ontario, I had to keep walking at a pretty fast pace to keep me warm.

We are born naked and we leave this world naked... 

 There nothing like the shifting banks of a sandy beach to remind me of the foundations I am on.

Just like I thought that I knew my dad and I was so sure of that...

Seeing all my world shifting once again, albeit in a wonderful way this time, to discover that my dad had a life I didn't know... to the point that 6 wonderful women who are calling me... brother ?!?

Whao...

I'm watching the sunset.  One reoccuring question: Why ?

The person who could answer my question isn't there anymore, and I wonder: At this point in time in my life, does it still  matter?

Isn't the point that we are all reunited?

No matter your reasons,

I love you, dad.

===
Live the present time and look forward for the future.  That's my thinking.
===

Yup, there are going to be several more chapters in that book...

Colleagues who've been reading my blogs tell me that I should write a book about my caregiving era...  While joking that a book is soooo... 20th century, I wonder who am I to tell others...

As I return to civilization, I was thinking of two famous phrases, one in French, the other in English:

"Je n'ai fait que mon devoir".  I did my duty.  The duty of a son.

Yet in French, the word "que" implies something restrictive.  I did *only* my duty?  No...

"It's a labour of love".

That's the whole point.

Cheers,

-J

Blogatus Interruptis ?

My last blog entry here was months ago, which itself was after a long hiatus...

With the illness of my dad, followed by his death, I had neither the time, nor the willingness to blog anything.

And these days, my life has been violently rocked again, except that it is in a good, VERY good way.

It took dad's death and the announcement in the local newspapers... to discover that I have half-sisters. And I kept doing the maths: Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five... but S-I-X sisters!!!


(Photos of Toronto Islands, a sandy path to one of its beaches.)

In some religions, the tree represents life. If you've been on the west coast and you have been next to big trees... This is life spats at you, in full force. You could see it, you could *feel* it.

Between trees, there are paths.

I wish that my path, like this sandy path on the photo on the left... would have been a straight line.

Straightforward.

Straight.

Mhhhh...

You know, like everyone. That everyone, the silent unknown individual of the majority.

Not a chance. A non-standard family and I'm quite a non-standard guy. And the past few years...

Mhhh...

I guess that is one of the twists of life... that I've stopped frustrating about. Like it or not, I have to accept.

I had to do so with dad's illness...

Accepting the bad... which I thought was the summum of things to accept...

And now the good, the wonderfully good... the summum in the other direction, but still immense, still huge to accept.

Accepting that my dad had a prior life, and deliberately kept unknown to me for reasons that escape everyone, whose past is now becoming my present time.

6 wonderful women who are my sisters and who are calling me brother. Moi, un frère? A brother?!? Whew !!!!!

It's a re-birth, except that I'm born by the age of 46. :)

Accepting, welcoming...

... with open arms...

I'm sure there will be some blog entries ahead. If life doesn't keep me busy, there is that. :)

Cheers,

-J