End of a cycle, thoughts and all that jazz...

Those of you familiar with Toronto landscape will recognize the CN Tower. A reminder that I'm just at a rock throw's away from the urban world.

By that time last year, I went for the first time to the Islands.  Been to Toronto many times, and I knew the islands, but I never thought that so close to the urban core there would be such a jewel.

I brought my camera with me.  I always view photography as a way for the visual guy that I am to tell you visually the things I want to say.

So a year later, I figure it was time to return to the same spot.  A year later, the end of another cycle of ... life.

And what a year it's been.  The mental illness of my dad to its late stage, and out of nowhere the diagnosis of a generalized cancer and almost as if someone "upstair" heard our muted terrible wish...  gone peacefully was my dad to that other world.

I'm still debating whether he knew that this was going to be it, as his mental illness and then being on powerful drugs to provide a "quality of life" that make you wonder in these circumstances... it is one question among soooooooo many that becomes answer-less and pointless.

When you see your dad going away, you feel like a giant in the middle of emptiness.  A giant shadow of myself, very fragile, feeling terribly alone without the family around.

A cruel society that expects from you to perform zillions of administrative tasks.

Being given 24 hours by the nursing home to clean up dad's room was a prelude to many tough unpleasant tasks upcoming.  Contrary to my shadow on the sand, I wasn't very strong on my legs...

As I walk toward the beach, the "clothing optional sign" made me smile.  It is so cold this late in the season that it's not an option anymore.

In fact, as I near the cold water of Lake Ontario, I had to keep walking at a pretty fast pace to keep me warm.

We are born naked and we leave this world naked... 

 There nothing like the shifting banks of a sandy beach to remind me of the foundations I am on.

Just like I thought that I knew my dad and I was so sure of that...

Seeing all my world shifting once again, albeit in a wonderful way this time, to discover that my dad had a life I didn't know... to the point that 6 wonderful women who are calling me... brother ?!?

Whao...

I'm watching the sunset.  One reoccuring question: Why ?

The person who could answer my question isn't there anymore, and I wonder: At this point in time in my life, does it still  matter?

Isn't the point that we are all reunited?

No matter your reasons,

I love you, dad.

===
Live the present time and look forward for the future.  That's my thinking.
===

Yup, there are going to be several more chapters in that book...

Colleagues who've been reading my blogs tell me that I should write a book about my caregiving era...  While joking that a book is soooo... 20th century, I wonder who am I to tell others...

As I return to civilization, I was thinking of two famous phrases, one in French, the other in English:

"Je n'ai fait que mon devoir".  I did my duty.  The duty of a son.

Yet in French, the word "que" implies something restrictive.  I did *only* my duty?  No...

"It's a labour of love".

That's the whole point.

Cheers,

-J

Blogatus Interruptis ?

My last blog entry here was months ago, which itself was after a long hiatus...

With the illness of my dad, followed by his death, I had neither the time, nor the willingness to blog anything.

And these days, my life has been violently rocked again, except that it is in a good, VERY good way.

It took dad's death and the announcement in the local newspapers... to discover that I have half-sisters. And I kept doing the maths: Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five... but S-I-X sisters!!!


(Photos of Toronto Islands, a sandy path to one of its beaches.)

In some religions, the tree represents life. If you've been on the west coast and you have been next to big trees... This is life spats at you, in full force. You could see it, you could *feel* it.

Between trees, there are paths.

I wish that my path, like this sandy path on the photo on the left... would have been a straight line.

Straightforward.

Straight.

Mhhhh...

You know, like everyone. That everyone, the silent unknown individual of the majority.

Not a chance. A non-standard family and I'm quite a non-standard guy. And the past few years...

Mhhh...

I guess that is one of the twists of life... that I've stopped frustrating about. Like it or not, I have to accept.

I had to do so with dad's illness...

Accepting the bad... which I thought was the summum of things to accept...

And now the good, the wonderfully good... the summum in the other direction, but still immense, still huge to accept.

Accepting that my dad had a prior life, and deliberately kept unknown to me for reasons that escape everyone, whose past is now becoming my present time.

6 wonderful women who are my sisters and who are calling me brother. Moi, un frère? A brother?!? Whew !!!!!

It's a re-birth, except that I'm born by the age of 46. :)

Accepting, welcoming...

... with open arms...

I'm sure there will be some blog entries ahead. If life doesn't keep me busy, there is that. :)

Cheers,

-J

Living differently... and a matter of human rights?

If you're a woman, would it come to your "right" mind that you could breastfeed... your spouse? If you're a man, would you have a drink... that it's on (and literally from) your wife? :) Without nursing a baby, a woman can be induced into lactating and apparently, to the delight of both spouses.

The other day, both in local printed media and over the radio, I was (indirectly) reminded of my past, as a forum moderator... and why this old militant had his human rights chord being tickled .

I was also a bit intrigued (and pleasantly surprised!) that a seemingly taboo topic could hit the mainstream media, and essentially they didn't make of that story as a freak show.

A couple living in my province started this blog on Wordpress: Allaiter mon conjoint (breastfeed my spouse).

What has touched me is that among the reasons she has started this blog, it is to serve as a place for others who share similar interests. To overcome a taboo, to educate the population in order to fight ridicule.

Also, like so many things in Québec, articles written in French, especially on topics that are... off the beaten path are almost non-existant.

Upfront, I'd say... mhhh... that's absolutely NOT my thing. However, because I don't like something should not and should NEVER mean that others shouldn't enjoy it.

In a previous life, well... in the 80s when the BBSes were king, I was an avid forum participant. By the 90s, I graduated as a forum manager on commercial online services, the ancestor of today's internet. GEnie, Delphi, name it.

One day, on behalf of an ailing forum manager (and personal friend) that I temporarily took care of the Freemind forum on Delphi.. For just a few weeks I thought, 6 looong (and fascinating) months it went. Even after I gave back the forum to its original host, I stayed there 'til I retired entirely from the forum world, in the late 90s.

That was a forum in the "adult" category. Woah. By design, it was in that category in order to be able to speak more freely (hence, the "Freemind") without having management censoring us.

Religion often took a hard beating. (It was the time of tele-evangelists who made headlines regularly for their "immoral" excesses, so I had plenty of material for the forum). Also, maybe because of being in the "adult" category, sexuality was also a fairly recurrent topic.

This forced me to do searches on the 'Net, as well as pitching in my little Canadian 2-cent. Sort of being a reference center and also being a place to discuss about various issues on sexuality, in general.

Being open minded and eager to learn, let say that my mind got opened wider than I thought, and I learn a lot.

If you think people are crazy, yes they are. Yes *we* are. Yes we *all* are. You, me and everyone around. :)

A way of saying that the mighty word "normal" is the word to ban.

Sadly, "statistics" is a word I'd rather like to see it undefined, because people aren't just numbers. We're humans, made of flesh and we have a heart and a soul.

Anyway from that era, there are a few things I learnt and got stucked in my mind. Like one person out of two has a sexual fantasy, enough that the word "fetish" would apply. It is just that your fantasy isn't exactly appealing to others, and if you could know what happen in the bedroom, the fantasies of your neighbours and people you know would be shocking to you.

The danger is applying your moral values to others... and saddly, if you happen to be at the other end of the equation, it is about feeling the pressure of a ruling majority and morality.

There are times I wish the Freemind forum would still exist. Last weekend, Québec's ruling cardinal at a public gathering heavily complained about abortion and he openly wished to have abortion being banned, once again. That would be a good topic to discuss.

And isn't a case of ... human rights? Aren't we born equal, in *dignity* and in *rights* ? Why that moral pressure against you if you live in a non-standard way? Why being ridicule... for who you are?

Some of the reasons people came to the Freemind forum... are the very same reasons this Quebecer couple mentioned in their blog: Loneliness, the fear of "not being normal" because you do things that the moral majority would be against, to have a place to make informations available and to share experience...

Plus ça change...

New communication means... and same old issues.

My thinking is that between freely and willfully consenting adults who want to have some mutual fun and as long as they aren't harming themselves one way or the other, anything can (and should) go on, limited only by their imagination.

And no moralists should tell them what to do and what is approved or not. :)

PS: If you're a guy, you shouldn't laugh that much and you should wipe that grin on your face. :) While researching this topic, I've discovered that men could also lactate. So guys, beware! Your spouse may order you a drink from you one of these days!

Which in a way... feeding from each other, it is living in symbiosis, albeit being squished to a new height. :)

Vivre et laissez vivre, mes amis. That's the whole point. I'm serious.

Cheers,

-E