End of a cycle, thoughts and all that jazz...

Those of you familiar with Toronto landscape will recognize the CN Tower. A reminder that I'm just at a rock throw's away from the urban world.

By that time last year, I went for the first time to the Islands.  Been to Toronto many times, and I knew the islands, but I never thought that so close to the urban core there would be such a jewel.

I brought my camera with me.  I always view photography as a way for the visual guy that I am to tell you visually the things I want to say.

So a year later, I figure it was time to return to the same spot.  A year later, the end of another cycle of ... life.

And what a year it's been.  The mental illness of my dad to its late stage, and out of nowhere the diagnosis of a generalized cancer and almost as if someone "upstair" heard our muted terrible wish...  gone peacefully was my dad to that other world.

I'm still debating whether he knew that this was going to be it, as his mental illness and then being on powerful drugs to provide a "quality of life" that make you wonder in these circumstances... it is one question among soooooooo many that becomes answer-less and pointless.

When you see your dad going away, you feel like a giant in the middle of emptiness.  A giant shadow of myself, very fragile, feeling terribly alone without the family around.

A cruel society that expects from you to perform zillions of administrative tasks.

Being given 24 hours by the nursing home to clean up dad's room was a prelude to many tough unpleasant tasks upcoming.  Contrary to my shadow on the sand, I wasn't very strong on my legs...

As I walk toward the beach, the "clothing optional sign" made me smile.  It is so cold this late in the season that it's not an option anymore.

In fact, as I near the cold water of Lake Ontario, I had to keep walking at a pretty fast pace to keep me warm.

We are born naked and we leave this world naked... 

 There nothing like the shifting banks of a sandy beach to remind me of the foundations I am on.

Just like I thought that I knew my dad and I was so sure of that...

Seeing all my world shifting once again, albeit in a wonderful way this time, to discover that my dad had a life I didn't know... to the point that 6 wonderful women who are calling me... brother ?!?

Whao...

I'm watching the sunset.  One reoccuring question: Why ?

The person who could answer my question isn't there anymore, and I wonder: At this point in time in my life, does it still  matter?

Isn't the point that we are all reunited?

No matter your reasons,

I love you, dad.

===
Live the present time and look forward for the future.  That's my thinking.
===

Yup, there are going to be several more chapters in that book...

Colleagues who've been reading my blogs tell me that I should write a book about my caregiving era...  While joking that a book is soooo... 20th century, I wonder who am I to tell others...

As I return to civilization, I was thinking of two famous phrases, one in French, the other in English:

"Je n'ai fait que mon devoir".  I did my duty.  The duty of a son.

Yet in French, the word "que" implies something restrictive.  I did *only* my duty?  No...

"It's a labour of love".

That's the whole point.

Cheers,

-J

Human rights... over there.

A comment, said I'm sure with all good intents, that got me into this chain of thoughts...

"You know, you don't have to visit your parents so often".

Of course, I don't have to, but I do hope that you aren't telling me something... else?

Here's the scoop: After 3 years of being a caregiver, first to my dad, and later to *both* dad and mom, it's been about 2 weeks that they got relocated, to what they called here, a "ressource intermédiaire". It's more like "assisted living".

Apparently, the facility got praise for its excellence, overall.

While my parents were at home, I got plenty of help from the CLSC, the "everything under the same roof" governmental social services. They provide at home health care of all kinds.

From time to time, especially toward the end, I hired up private help, so I could take a much needed break, and enjoy vacations away of Montréal.

From people bathing my parents, doing some laundry, then the nurse, then the occupational therapist, then people doing the cooking and some of household chore. At noon, then at 6PM. Toward the end, there were 4 to 6 different people *a day* visiting my parents.

Nearly all were super cool people. To have seen them in action during all of those years, it takes people with a *BIG* heart to do these jobs.

Nearly all.

For instance, I've blogged on FC last fall about a "préposé au bain", a person giving bath to my parents who literally ruled the house as soon as she stepped in. I learn later that this person has come a few times, and everytime it coincided that I was away of Montréal.

But not this time.

She was rude with my parents, even in front of me, and even after I told her that I'm their son... and the one who has *HIRED HER* (well, her agency) to bath my parents!

"Sir, you speak too much".

Wow...

Well, in no time she was speaking all to herself outdoor too. A verbal complaint, followed by a *written* complaint made sure that she won't ever come back. To my knowledge, she didn't.

Over those years, there have been a few cases like that. That's why I'm saying that "nearly all" of the many people coming to my parents' house were super fine, but...

So, there are exceptions. A few, but that's a few... too many.

My parents were just too terrorized to protest.

Those bad apples have been thrown out... because *I* happened to be there.

So that phrase I got from an employee at the "ressource intermédiaire" that "I don't have to visit my parents so frequently"... I'm sure it was said with a good intent, and my frequent visits are at first to ease the transition, -for all of us- in fact, and of course I would ease my visits a bit afterward. So far, I have nothing but praise for the entire personnel, but in the above context, mhhh...

When you are old and ailing... you are extremely powerless to those who have powers onto you.

Nor everyone can count on a relative to speak on their behalf either.

Human rights, it's not just at the other end of the planet, it starts right here at home...

-E

Bhutto and Pakistan...

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I don't know what to think...

It's funny how in the media, the announcement of her death was presented... as if this has caught everyone by surprise.

Hello ?!?

Wasn't something... glaring obvious? It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when... and most likely *BEFORE* the elections?

What has been an enigma is why Benazir Bhutto decided to return to Pakistan. Besides, she saw her dad and a couple of relatives leaving this world a bit prematurely.

She's savvy, she's smart, got a good education in the best schools in the west, and she knows politics since she's been at the helm of the country.

I don't believe a minute it is by patriotism and on high and noble principles she went back. She isn't suicidal, nor _that_ stupid. What's the whole point of being killed before even having a chance to have a taste at power? There is that.

She must have been fooled by someone whose words usually are trusted... and my hunch is once you have answered that question... the murderer(s) aren't that far.

Sometimes maps speak a lot (hence why I posted a GoogleMap here). Pakistan isn't just the proverbial quirky neighbour to India. There's a heck of mighty neighbours, from Iran to China, not to mention Afghanistan. Even some neighbors are within shooting distance, such as Saudi Arabia.

Besides, sitting on top of the many "'stan" is... Russia. I'm also thinking of certain trades, licit such as oil (in pipelines), and illicit, such as certain drugs (derived from certain cultures)...

And it must make some people nervous for a country that has a nuclear bomb... is going out of control. Mhhhh...

Sometimes, I wish that our media, instead of just merely reporting the news... without even understanding what they were reporting... they would sit down... and start analysing.

Heck, we have people getting diplomas out of universities in geopolitics. Might be time to hire them? They know what they're talking about... (or should know! ;) )

Nor that I believe one second that Bhutto was suicidal, nor she would make consciously a fatal mistake by returning to her country... while it was a sure thing she wouldn't see the elections alive.

In the meantime, you should see the silliness FOXNews and CNN are uttering. And they call that... "news channels". Wow...

Cheers,

-E